Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Ramblings Of A Mother-To-Be

Every once in a while, during aimless chitchatting, I am asked to ponder whether I want to have a boy or a girl. (Interestingly, the question of whether I want to have children at all is almost always omitted, when it should be the very first question to be asked.)

Just like beauty queens turning their noses at average girls, I, once crowned the Most Beautiful Baby, am stingy with praises for babies. My expectations are high. I want a girl, a little girl who is clever and has the precocious ability to charm everyone, a little girl who looks angelic in white summer frocks, a little girl whom every soon-to-be married couple fights for to be their flower girl. Basically, I want a little girl who is the replica of a little me.

Feel like punching the narcissism out of me already?

Then I am asked what if my baby turns out to be somewhat different from what I have in mind.

If my baby is not smart, she has to be irresistibly cute. If she is neither intelligent nor beautiful, I may have to smother her with a pillow and attribute her death to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I will joke.

Usually at this point of time, beads of perspiration will form on my friends’ foreheads and stiff expressions will be plastered on their faces. I need to blurt, “I’m only joking!” to revive their smiles

Actually, I haven’t wholeheartedly meant it to be a joke. There are times that I seriously consider the option of killing my baby if she is not up to expectations. But, I will then think what if Fate wants to punish me for my frivolous thoughts and really blesses me a baby who not bright and not pretty? Just to test my limits, to see if I will carry out my threat.

Beautiful parents can have physically flawed babies. News about a celebrity’s newborn scares me very much. Do you know that treatment for hare-lipped babies take a lengthy 18 years, in a few stages, to complete? Their condition not only spoils their appearance, it also affects their ability to chew and talk. Imagine the trauma the child needs to go through.

Besides this, it is also probable that smart parents may have less intelligent children. And what if the baby has Down’s Syndrome? We have to go through the agony of deciding its fate. To give it a chance to live or to save it from a life of suffering?

And then, what if giving birth, which apparently makes a woman whole, causes her desirability and amount of time for her husband to plummet?

I shudder and come to the conclusion that the safest thing to do is to not have babies at all.

I think about the same question all the time. Sometimes, I decide that as long as the baby is healthy, nothing else matters. Sometimes, I optimistically think that I will definitely have a healthy, beautiful and clever baby. There is nothing to worry about. Sometimes, I conclude that having no children at all is the best bet. I really do think about the question all the time. What the hell… I’m not even getting married yet.

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