Crush-ed

It's been a long time since most of us had our first crush, I believe. We have had crushes on schoolmates, teachers, juniors, seniors, neighbours, celebrities, cousins etc. They are people you don't really know, mostly acquaintances whom you don't get to talk to much. Having a crush, or limerence, is neither love nor sexual attraction. It is a feeling of fondness that causes you to develop hugely powerful emotions.

To have a crush on somebody is a wonderous feeling~ It gives us butterflies in the stomach. It makes us feel an ache in the chest, an ache that is strangely pleasurable. It makes your heart thump so hard (not hyperthoroidism) against our ribs that it hurts. It makes us smile idiotically while sitting in the bus. It makes us visit horoscopes websites to predict our future with him/her. It makes us float in the air, thinking about him/her incessantly.

To date, I have had three objects of limerence, existing in different phases of my life. Only five people know about the first boy who existed when I was nine to sixteen. (Gawd. It is so warped for nine year old kids to be in love.) Because

1. it is too embarrassing to tell my primary school mates that I had a crush on this boy
2. I like to portray myself as someone who has no time for or interest in stupid boys
3. he has grown up to be very different (in a bad way) and I am horrified to admit to myself I was once deeply infatuated with him.

Nevertheless, he was my longest crush, spanned over seven years. I used to think fondly that we had a beautiful affinity and truly believed that he liked me too. I also really understood that distance makes the heart fonder. Even after we graduated from primary school, I longed to see him so much that I looked out for him along the streets of Orchard. My efforts paid off for I managed to finally catch a glimpse of him when I was sixteen - only to find out growth had not been kind to him. My four years of his wonderful caricature was sent crashing to the floor. And my limerence for him ended, just like that.

The second one lasted for at most two months after I just turned sixteen, I don't remember. I started to crush on him after... oops I can't reveal too much else it will be too obvious. He was cute, good-looking, cute, well built, cute, sweet, cute... I was always looking for opportunities to sit down with him alone but he had too many friends, I could never get a private word in. Until once, we were finally left alone in the canteen benches. This seemed to be the chance I had been waiting for but to the horror of my life, I couldn't speak a word. Rocking on the bench, I was desperately tongue tied.

After moments of awkward silence, he excused himself to buy food. I was devastated. I had the chance of the millennium but I let it slipped away. Gathering my courage, I once smsed him, wishing him a Happy Chinese New Year but I was so afraid that he would find out that I found him special, I smsed all of our friends too (though I did customised the message to him). Sadly, this crush just faded with time as we both went our separate ways. Besides, Wanqing warned me to stay clear of him because he belonged to her girlfriend, albeit unofficially.

I acquainted with my third (and lingering) limerent object shortly after my seventeenth birthday. Unlike the rest, almost everyone who knew me in school knew about this crush because I like to tell people about him. I sure even he knew about it. I looked out for him in the canteen, along the stairs, on the assembly ground, in the classrooms just for a little wave and a smile from him. I attended his performance not because I care much about the concert, but simply to watch him. I went to interclass sports competitions to watch him, pretending to support another friend. But graduation was inevitable, I could only look at him from his friendster's pictures ever since.

But we must be fated to meet! My heart a beat, maybe stopped beating for a whole minute when I saw him in my faculty canteen just last semester. After abstinence from limerence for two years, the racing heart, the chest aches, the fluttering stomach butterflies, the silly grin, returned twice as strong as before. But I didn't say hi. I couldn't. I didn't dare. I have never even held a proper conversation with him before. The second time I saw him, I tailed him for a while, heart thumping against the chest, until he got lost amongst the crowd. That's that. I'm too shy.

Is developing crushes a privilege of kiddos only? I hope not, because I will like to experience another crush, on someone who sets my body a-sweating, my heart a-thumping and my spirits a-flying!